Things I'm Just Beginning to Understand at 25.

I still can't believe it. I'm 25 years-old. A quarter of a century. I'm about a third through my lifetime if I'm lucky. It's come to my attention that I am not the same person I was in college and I'm starting to realize how much I've done and changed. There are mindsets and beliefs that have changed drastically and I feel like a more complete person for it. I'm sharing only a few of them here and I wholly expect to continue changing as I finally start to feel the weight of adulthood. So here are some things that I'm finally starting to figure out at 25.

Being "Fit"
I touched on this one a bit in Physcial Wellness- What I Wish They Would Have Told Me, but I think this is the one concept related to health that still eludes me. We're all told that being "fit" is the ideal, but no one ever bothers to provide any clues as to what it actually is besides images of thin, lean people working out. When I worked at a Subway restaurant in Milwaukee, one of my more memorable customers always came in on break from a run. I swear this woman had no body fat. No curves, no boobs, nothing but lean muscle. Is she "fit"? Is she the pinnacle of "fitness"?

A quick google search of "fitness" will provide this definition:

1. the condition of being physically fit and healthy.

Gee, thanks- had no idea "fitness" had anything to do with "being physically fit". Also, being "healthy" is a separate thing. Even when I was 195 pounds I could go to my physical and get a clean bill of health (after which my doctor will say, "Now about your weight...").

The West Virginia University Robert C. Byrd Health Sciences center has a pamphlet on healthy living which provides this explanation:

Fitness means being in good physical condition or being healthy. Fitness means
having more energy and better sleep patterns. A person who is fit is also able to
carry out tasks more easily.

"More energy", "better sleep patterns", "able to carry out tasks more easily". Now we're getting somewhere. Of course, these are different for every person which means fitness is going to be personal as well.

The global increase of depression is well-known and according to the National Institute of Health, there is a strong correlation between depression, anxiety, and other psychiatric disorders and insomnia. There is no clear evidence to suggest whether the psychiatric disorders cause insomia or vice versa, but they do make each other worse. This creates a vicious cycle that's hard to break out of since exercising will give you more energy and better sleep, but it also takes some energy to get started in the first place.

Since physical fitness is such a personal measure of health, I've learned that gauging it should involve certain personal benchmarks. For example, I decided that being able to go up the two flights of stairs at work without by heart racing and being winded was my first step. With the 15 pounds I've lost and my increased activity level, I can definitely say I'ved mostly achieved that and I sleep better and feel better during the day. I am by no means a paragon of fitness, but I am well on my way.

Self-Esteem

Closely linked to fitness, we have self-esteem. This is probably the topic on this list that surprised me the most. About a month ago I had in epiphany of sorts. I was standing in front of the mirror and came to a realization: I like my body. More surprising was the realization I didn't really like it before.
My usual reactions before included "Meh", "I'm alright", and "Could be worse...". I considered this to be good self-esteem because I thought it was the best I could do both physically and mentally. Now when I look into that mirror, I think, "I actually LIKE my body!"

The confusing part was my body hadn't really changed. I'd dropped a few pounds developed a few muscles, but they hadn't made that much of a difference in the broad scheme of things.

Considering my body hadn't changed all that much, I tried to think what had: I'd started working out and keeping track of my calories. I'd started archery and kendo. It seemed like the results of what I was doing wasn't as important as the fact that I was doing them. Just trying and pushing myself raised my self-respect and self-worth. I found out I was capable of so much more than I thought.

As kids we're told to look in the mirror and say to yourself, "I'm beautiful", "I'm awesome", "I can achieve anything I want", but there's a difference between saying these things and actually believing in them and making them a reality. Telling someone with low self-esteem to just start loving themselves is like telling a person suffering from depression to just be positive. You can't wish feeling and emotion into existence. The only thing that can change anything is action.

Don't like your body? DO something about it. I'm not saying lose weight and get thin. I'm saying work your ass off for something you truly want. Don't settle for anything less than what challenges you. Does it suck? Good- it means your learning and improving. Take that anger and frustration and throw it into the face of what's in your way. Your body and mind will thank you for the work you've done and you'll love yourself for it no matter what the outcome.
"Getting a Life"

Let me be clear here: "get a life" is an insult. It's a veiled attempt to assert your superiority complex over someone.
I only use this phrase because I assume most people want "a life", but don't know exaclty what that is nor how to "get" one. Unfortunately (like almost everything on this list), it's too personal to have a cut-and-dry answer.

Here is what I thought a "life" was at 18: graduate high school, go to college, graduate college, career. I thought that was the natural progression of a successful individual. Any step outside it was a fast-track to loserdom. It shames me to think I used to look down on those that deviated from this path, but the truth is that I did. Things had been pretty smooth sailing for me. I was a good girl, kept my head down, flew through high school, got into my private, expensive, university of choice, and met the love of my life when I got there.

Then I started failing classes. I started seeing the possibility of not being able to make it through. It terrified me, and when I finally threw my hands up and admitted defeat I was at a loss. I knew I wanted to transfer somewhere else, but I didn't know where or what for or how to pay for it. I didn't know where I was going to live. I didn't know where my relationship with my boyfriend whom I was very much in love with was going to go.

Looking back, I think that's when my true "life" started. That's when I started to have to actually work to survive and get what I wanted.

After I left the Milwaukee School of Engineering, I fought to get into UW-Milwaukee (which is ironically easier to get into than MSOE), moved into my first apartment, and made the unwise choice to let my boyfriend move in with me and kept it from my disapproving parents. From that moment, I felt like almost everything I did was against their wishes and expectations. It was like all the angst and rebellion I'd suppressed as a teenager had festered and burst open. I started doing things because it was what I wanted and not necessarily what others wanted from me. I learned that I'd been mentally trained to feel guilty about doing so. Sometimes everything seemed like a fight whether at school, in my crappy job making subway sandwiches, in my relationship, or with my family.

But you know what? Between the challenges, between the frustration and tears, I was happy. I was finally "living". Fighting the tide instead of letting it take me wherever it was going made me feel alive and more like myself (whatever that meant at the time). With every challenge I faced, I built up pride and self-respect.

I met some of the best, the worst, most-interesting, most terrible people at my job. I met artists, I met hippies, I met drug dealers, I met homeless people, artists, musicians, hair stylists. I realized that a "life" can just be exactly that- life. Shaping it into whatever you want it to be. And unless you're causing harm to other people, who is anyone else to judge? The only judge that matters in life is you.

Friends

This one's hard to think about even now because I feel like I've lost many friends in my lifetime and I can't figure out where the relationships went wrong. It's not like I ever start a friendship with the thought that it might end. Sometimes a person you thought you were getting along with for a while starts ignoring you in passing while others you met only once in real life end up becoming good facebook friends.

Somewhere in life we start to separate aqcuaintences from friends, but I still have trouble understanding why I can't be friends with my aqcuaintences too or why friendships fade with time. In Girl Scouts there's a song that goes,

"Make new friends, but keep the old.
One is silver and the other's gold.

I used to think, "Why can't they all be gold?".

When I left MSOE I still hung out there regularly. But then time passed, and friends graduated and moved on until I had only a few left in Milwaukee who became understandably busy with their own lives and careers. I realized that someday I'd have to move on too. People change. They never stop changing. Some people grow together while others grow apart.

I didn't start getting a feel for who my "gold" friends until after I left college. I've learned the best friendships are the ones that endure through distance and time and it's worth the pain and loss of finding them.

Happiness

 There are people I've met that seem almost too happy. You know the type- the bubbly, smiley ones that have an unbeatable zest for life and their facebook statuses are nothing but sunshine and rainbows.

These people bug me. It's not like I don't like them, but something about them rubs me the wrong way. I used to think it was because I felt resentful and jealous. I believed that level of happiness was the baseline for "normal" people and if it wasn't you were doing something wrong.

Now I know it's the inherent insincerity. These people aren't as happy as they portray themselves to be. It's nothing I hold against them- it's just the persona they've learned to present no matter how they feel. As a person who wears her heart on her sleeve, I hold emotional honesty in high regard.

And if I'm being honest right now, I'd say I'm mostly happy. I've learned that money can't "buy" happiness, but not having enough to survive certainly lowers your baseline. I've learned that putting yourself first is okay. I've learned that you can have great relationships with people even when you disagree with them (or even because of it). I've learned that the highs aren't a baseline and we wouldn't even appreciate the highs if we didn't have a baseline or the lows.

I've learned that when people talk about "happiness", they're really talking about "contentment". If you can say, "Yeah, I'm doing just fine.", I'd say you're happy. You have enough highs in your life to off-set the lows. You have enough to get by. You have a little more than enough so you can enjoy things beyond mere survival. You have an emotional safety net of people you trust and care for. You're body and mind are functional in a way that allows your daily life to run smoothly.

Most importantly, I've learned that happiness is different for different people. This goes back to the whole "having a life" thing a bit. If your current life is happy for you, than don't let anyone judge you for it. Love who you love and do the things you love to do.

And if you're not happy, DO something. Anything. One little change can make all the difference. If you need a big change, break it into small, less intimidating changes. It's hard, I know. Breaking out of the vicious cycle of a negative mindset is difficult. If you need encouragement or help, don't be silent. Reach out. Know that failure is a natural part of the learning process, not a stop sign.

After writing this, I'm amazed at how different I was ten or even just two years ago. As a quarter-of-a-centurian, I've experienced a lot of things and it's good to know I've actually learned a thing or two from them. If there are any other mid-twenty somethings out there, I encourage you to take a moment and think about what these things mean to you. I have a feeling that all too many people watch life pass them by and not take a second to fully appreciate exactly what and who they are. You're the only one in the entire universe and are here for only a brief time. Wouldn't it be nice to get to know yourself while you're here?

Physical Wellness: What I Wish They Would Have Told Me

I'm 24 years-old and around 184 pounds at the time of this writing. I am also an athlete and that still boggles my mind.

When I was in school I never imagined I'd be as active as I am now. I played soccer as a child for a bit and while I did enjoy it, I absolutely hated being center and usually ended up in the wings or in front of the goal. I hated anything to do with running- how fast everyone was compared to me, the sporadic, panting breathing (and how much my throat would hurt if it was cold outside), the stitch in my side, how fast my heart raced and how long it took for it to go away afterward. The bottom line was that it was uncomfortable and painful for me. So I avoided it like the plague.

Since coming to Japan and observing how sports and physical wellness are treated here, I've learned a lot about my own physical health and I think to myself, "Why didn't I learn this earlier?!". I've realized that due to the way our health and physical education classes are structured in the US, children aren't learning enough about how their bodies work and why exercise is so important. The ones that don't conform to the accepted standard of "physically fit" are ignored and end up feeling like they have no options open to them in high school. I've come to believe that there is something active for everyone to do no matter who they are and children could benefit greatly by being exposed to more options early on in life.

Physical "Education"

Gym class is taught as something that must be done as opposed to something that anyone should do on a regular basis. Gym teachers tell you to play badminton so you play badminton. Today we're playing basketball and tomorrow we're swimming because we say so and for no other reason. At no point was any of this physical activity connected to any actual physical "education". Why is this kind of exercise good for you and what are the physical and mental benefits? What's the difference between "aerobic" and "isometric" exercise? Why are nutrition labels based on 2,000 calories a day? How do you even read a nutrition label?

At no point do I remember learning anything about our actual bodies. All we pick up is that taller and/or more muscular bodies are good at sports. Naturally this leads to the attitude that if you don't have this type of body, you just aren't ever going to be good at or enjoy sports at all. It doesn't help that football and basketball are the standard by which all athletes are measured in the United States. The result is that many adolescents feel they just aren't "built" to do sports and aren't encouraged to look for any other options outside high school.

Our laughably terrible health classes tell us about our petuitaries and how they make our bodies go bananas, but we're taught to be ashamed of them. How are we supposed to talk about the best way to develop good physical habits if we're not even comfortable talking about our own bodies? We need to educate kids about how to incorporate more movement in our daily routines and emphasize that they still have a big impact on their health even if they are not extreme changes.

The Importance of Role Models

I met three people in high school that started to change this attitude for me:

1. The first was during my strength and conditioning class when my gym teacher was discussing my progress and remarked, "You have a naturally strong body." This simple remark kinda blew me away. Whenever I looked in the mirror, I never saw "muscle" or "strength". This got me thinking that maybe there's more potential in the human body than what can be seen.

2. When I was fourteen, my dad took me to the shooting range. Soon after, the Stoughton Archery Club was formed and I began what is probably my favorite sport. Here was something I could not only do, but not feel intimidated or discouraged from doing. People of all backgrounds and body types gather at the range. Moreover, this became a family sport that my father, brothers, and I could enjoy together.

3. The third is when I was working on a large graph for math class on the hallway floor with a friend since it was too big to draw out on the desks. Eventually, we started play-fighting with the yard-sticks as dumb kids do when tasked with mundane things. As our shenanigans ensued, a teacher walked by and casually asked, "Would you like to learn how to do that properly?"

After staring like a deer in headlights for a few seconds, we giggled nervously, shook our heads and said, "Nah." This man eventually became my fencing instructor and one of the most important mentors in my life. He emphasized invaluable concepts like true discipline and critical thinking.

I stumbled into these sports by happy accident, but too many children don't have healthy role models in their daily lives outside their gym teachers. Nobody steps up to help them find a sport or form of exercise that is right for them and they can make into a life-long activity.

The majority of my students belong to sports clubs and practice every day after school for 2-3 hours. Then they have practice on weekends. Then they have tournaments. These clubs become a major part of their lives and are viewed as almost as important as academic class. In university, these clubs and social circles become an essential part of their resumes for prospective jobs.

Then there are the multitude of physical events throughout the warm seasons. There's the annual "sports day" where the whole school participates (teachers included) to split into teams and compete in various physical activities like relay races, 100m dashes, and tugs-of-war. There's a prefecture-wide track-and-field day.

Why We Do Sports

Throughout high school I hardly ever missed archery practice. Here's the thing though: I didn't understand why. For whatever reason, I just wasn't very good at it. Both my brothers and my dad were always leaps and bounds ahead of me and I found it very discouraging. But time and again, I found myself going back and I didn't know why. If I ended up disappointed at every competition, why did I keep going?

Kyudo is the complete opposite of Western archery in many ways. One of these is that the emphasis isn't on hitting on the target so much as the shooting process and proper form. Without the pressures of racking up points and "winning", I finally realized: enjoyment doesn't have anything to do with how good you are. When it came to archery, I wanted to be better than my brothers and I wanted to win and those expectations marred my experience. When it comes to kyudo, I just enjoy doing it.

Again, this has a lot to do with role models. Part of the reason I stayed in archery was because my instructors and family were very supportive and encouraging, but they also shared my goals and mindset. My kyudo instructor told me from the get-go that hitting the target isn't important and that even the highest-ranking archers can't always do it perfectly. Every time I retrieve my arrows from around the target, I'm reminded of a Japanese saying, 猿でも木から落ちる, or "Even monkeys fall from trees."

Too many children find themselves doing sports they don't like or spending more time on it than they would like. Coaches weed out the "weak links" and leave them on the sidelines. Overzealous parents force there children into sports and then get frustrated when they show no motivation or aptitude. When their team doesn't win, they're made to feel like failures. In this environment, exercise becomes something difficult, frustrating, and not enjoyable.

There are so many things that I know now that shouldn't have taken me so many years to figure out on my own.

What Do We Get Out of Sports?

I never would have started kendo were it not for my husband. I attended his first kendo class purely as a translator, but then the instructor walked out of the storage room with two shinai and handed one to each of us. Since my prevailing philosophy as a foreignor in Japan is "go with the flow", I gave it a try. Then I came to the next lesson. And then the next one.

Whenever I watch kendo practice, I marvel at how fast and fluid they are. They almost fly across the floor and each strike is fast and precise. As I watched, I felt more and more that I wanted to be able to move like that. I wanted to be that graceful, strong, and fast.

I'm not gonna lie: it wasn't all fun and games at first (I read in an article somewhere that said, "If you're enjoying kendo, you're not doing it right"). One thing I didn't notice before was how aerobic the sport is and I could barely get through the warm-up at first. I hated how hard my heart pounded and how my calf muscles hurt. But I knew that it would get better and I now had a better reason to fight through the beginning excrutiating struggle. Every time I saw my fellow kendoshi fly across the dojo I saw my reason for continuing.

Before, I could barely walk up the stairs at school without my heart pounding. Now it takes an hour at practice to do that. Before, I looked in the mirror and saw room for improvement, now I see power and muscle hiding under all that cellulose. Although I can't really say I see huge physical changes, I still somehow feel and look "better". People have tried to tell me what self-esteem is and that I should have more of it, but it took more than words for me to fully understand.

You will be surprised how much momentum you can build once you start exercising regularly. A body at rest wants to stay at rest and a body in motion wants to stay in motion. If I'm at my desk with nothing to do all day, I'll start to feel terrible unless I get up and move. Before, I couldn't get myself to exercise. Now, I can't seem to get enough. Instead of going home and collapsing into my bed after practice, I want to hit the gym instead.

Something for Everyone

People who look down on "gamers" really bug me. Everyone plays games. The only difference is what kinds of games and how much we play them. When I was little, my family used to play all sorts of board games. I loved them. I grew up playing Halo with my twin brother. The growing popularity of murder mystery games amuses me to no end since it's basically Dungeons and Dragons with a different setting and no dice. With so many different ways to play out there, I sincerely think that we are all gamers at heart and there is a game for everyone to enjoy. If you don't believe me, watch Will Wheaton's show Tabletop and tell me there isn't something in there you want to try.

In the end, games are all about make-believe no matter what medium you do it through and sports are no different. For a period of time, like-minded individuals come together to pretend that how we throw a ball around a field to reach a certain goal matters. In the end, it really doesn't. The value we put in sports besides the physical is like the value we put in money- socially constructed and meaningless in reality. A dollar bill isn't worth anything unless enough people agree that it's worth one dollar and throwing a ball around doesn't really have any value until enough people think it's interesting enough to charge money for and invest in.

With so many different options available, there has to be a sport for everyone out there.

"Sports" vs. "Martial Arts"

As I mentioned above, the problem with sports in high school and college is that the barrier to entry is pretty high. Even if you make the team, there's a chance you'll be warming the bench almost every game. This makes overweight people lacking the ideal "athletic" body extremely discouraged from joining a mainstream sport at all.

This is why I'm an archer and martial artist. These haven't fallen victim to the institutionalization and commercialization of mainstream sports (even if movies still tend to perpetuate the image that fencing is a sport for uppity rich people. Believe me, it's not!). Anyone can join, your skill level doesn't matter, and the emphasis is on your own self-improvement instead of whether you can "make the team". There can be financial hurdles, but most martial arts clubs allow students to borrow equipment until they can afford their own. Students progress at their own pace and often have more personal attention from trainers since clubs tend to be smaller.

And the rest of world's beginning to notice. The Stoughton Archery club went nuts when The Hunger Games came out and now Arrow is causing huge waves.

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

Since coming to Japan, I feel like I've found my niche in the physical activity world. I'm starting to drop pounds and I respect my body so much more than before. I've found ways to be active that are both enjoyable and continually motivating with instructors that are patient and welcoming. I feel so lucky to have found this great environment to start my wellness journey and I sincerely think we should fight to make something similar available to everyone.